2026-10-29
The winter is almost upon us! Alas, my track record over the past few months has been rather disappointing. Even though my grades at uni are alright, I've failed at everything else. I keep starting a learning project and abandoning it just as it picks up steam.
There's this thing in me pushing me down, like a sense of dread. It's not a voice per se, but something in me that doesn't want to succeed. I feel like I am at a nexus of twin collapsing pillars, and there are two "things" in my mind which are as opposed as Ahura Mazda and Ahriman are to each other.
I know, I've seen that stuff about Christ being the nexus point of the pillars, collapsing them onto himself as the hero Samson once did.
Yet it is our duty to balance our impulses, no matter how conflicting they might seem. This is a most intricate work, and one that Christ's example shows can be borne.
Some updates on my "views": I went through a phase where I felt Life is meaningless, existentialism, etc. But then I came to realize that I intrinsically value certain behaviors or modes of thinking over others, in a way that resembles an intuition. I think God gave me these things, so he wants me to express or personify them in my life.
I feel like I am going through a bunch of analog waves. Anyways, tldr: I don't have a solution. Let this be a sign for me to just move on, accept what seems intuitive since I have no knowledge of the truth. As a wise contemporary once said, we may be as distant from the truth of reality as an ant is from modern society.
See ya later.